A Full House
The year 1992 was also the year in which Papi, his wife, and Titi Gloria visited us. At the same time Madma was visiting us, so we had a full house. It came to us as a huge surprise that Papi had remarried. He and Regina met at a Senior Center the municipality had in our subdivision. In fact, several other seniors had hooked up over there and for a while it was quite the hot place. Their love story was picked up by Luis Francisco Ojeda, a daytime talk show host in Puerto Rico's Channel 4. I watched the video once but there isn't much I remember from it.
Also, I found in Regina a resemblance to Mamá Ana. I shared the observation with Papi. He smiled and agreed.
Papi was happy again. I took video of him and Regina in our living room and elsewhere. I treasure those videos. It's the last living image I have of him.
They seemed to be so much in love, like teenagers. They weren't bashful when showing mutual affection. Even I blushed a couple of times while watching them.
I remember commenting this to Mom later, either on the phone or during a visit. She felt the Ojeda report was ridiculous and humiliating - to her. She stated her opposition to the wedding, affirming that Esperanza - dead by this time - was the woman Papi needed. It's like the horrible year 1973, had never happened. That was the year when Mom spewed out so much hate against Esperanza. That was the year we went to live in The Shack because, Mom said, of Esperanza. Mom may have thought I'd forgotten it in which case she felt free to spin a new narrative. I said nothing at the time, but I made a mental note of it.
My Shadow Side Manifests Itself
I'll go out and say this: I terrorized Chris through over-discipline at that time. I did misuse the rod a few times in South Dakota and then in Texas. I thought I was doing it for his own good but there were a few times in which I marked him. I apologized to him right after the fact though I doubted he understood what an apology was. I began to see my Mom in my actions and began to hate myself for it. I felt profound shame and still do, to this day.
The reason why my admission fits in 1992 had to do with my behavior during Pa's visit. Like me, Chris was a finicky eater. I wouldn't have it during Papi's visit and I forced him to eat though he showed his distress and fear of me. Papi and Regina observed in silence. They had tears in her eyes. Mercie long suffered me through the moment. I thought I knew what the visitors were thinking. The moment engraved itself into that place in my memory where I store my shames. Unbeknown to my conscious mind, I'd begun to store in my mind the blocks for my future depression. And maybe for Chris's too, and his own self-image.
I began a years-long effort to control my temper and to forgive myself. I've had success mastering my temper, but I'm still trying to forgive myself. I know God has forgiven me, but self-forgiveness will take a long, long while.
Though I don’t anymore, I know what self-loathing is.
The Ford Fairmont Dies
We ran the old Ford Fairmont we'd bought in South Dakota to the ground. It was an easy car to maintain, and I did a lot of maintenance on it. I did oil changes, and even replaced the radiator all by myself. Then the day came when it refused to start. I isolated the problem to its voltage regulator. I went bought one, changed it, and it worked for a bit. Not long after bright sparks showered from the engine compartment as we started the car. That meant I had a short somewhere along the wire stack. We decided it was time to get a new car.
We opted for a white, two-door, 1992 Nissan Sentra. It had A/C! And it was safer than what the old Fairmont had become. Things looked up.