My First Conversion in the Spiritual Life
In which Teófilo reminisces about his first Holy Communion and what took place the day before. He also explains why his First Communion completed his First Conversion.
The first months of 1974 passed by in a blur as the emotion from meeting my father and my brother's birth cooled. We were back at the home from which we didn't have to leave in the first place. I felt good, as good as I hadn’t felt for a long time before.
Catechetical preparation continued for me at la Academia. A lot of people smarter than me would call it "indoctrination" but the fact is I believed it all. With The Ten Commandments movie fresh in my mind, I thought: If God was able to manifest himself in a desert shrub, why not in a piece of bread? If being present in a pillar of dust or of fire was good enough for Him, why not in the wine poured in a chalice? It's not that God can't do it. I saw no contradiction.
Of course, the premise here is that I accepted there is a God and that He had a Son who shared His inner life. I had no arguments to challenge this presentation, but I had no interest in challenging it either. I was at peace with the whole thing.
We made our first sacramental confession about two weeks before. To this day I remember the first sin I'd ever confessed. I'll keep it to myself because it still shames me. (I will say, though: Aixa, please forgive me. I was a dumb, stupid child!).
My first communion took place on Sunday, March 31st, 1974. It was a very bright, sunny day. I still remember our communion hymn:
CHORUS: El amor de Cristo nos reúne en banquete fraternal.
Con la luz de nuestra fe en el alma acudamos juntos al altar.
A los hombres del desierto milagroso pan les dio,
en figura del misterio que en la cena consumó.
El que coma de mi carne, el que beba de mi sangre,
le daré la vida eterna en el reino de mi Padre.
Lo que acabo yo de hacer lo debéis hacer vosotros,
y guardar este recuerdo que es eterno testamento.
El Señor resucitado vuelve a la gloria del cielo
opero vive con su Iglesia en el Santo Sacramento.
My actual first reception of the Body and Blood of Christ was uneventful. I had no special spiritual experiences because I'd resisted God's grace a lot, even back then. In fact, my first concern was fear. I was afraid that my gag reflexes against unknown foodstuffs could’ve kicked in. If there was a miracle, it was that it didn't. I felt peace after receiving Him, but I don't know if it was because of Jesus’ presence within me, or because that eating ordeal was over.
There was no photographic record of the event, except for pictures of me standing beside a girl classmate her mom took of us afterwards. I figure she may have those pictures still, yellowing in some old photo album. One day I'll ask her about them, for we're still in touch.
Otherwise, I had peace at home that Sunday. Mom made me a big bowl of homemade French fries. I watched I don't remember what on our black-and-white, antenna TV. Whether I knew it or not, Our Lord had set a property stake in my soul. He would never forego his claim on me, even when I would become less than faithful to Him later in life. (He would then reel me in). To this day, reception of Holy Communion is my weekly mystical experience. He lives in me, and I in Him.
The home burglary the day before
That Saturday afternoon before my First Communion Sunday, I went to pester Angelito. I got to his home and looked into his marquesina, noting they weren't home, for their car wasn't in. I also noticed that the door that opened to the marquesina was off its hinges, propped up against the wall. I didn't expect that, and I didn't know what to make of it.
Shortly thereafter Angelito's paternal aunt, "Titi Mima," arrived for a visit of her own. I pointed out to her what I saw. She asked me to go in and check it out. With gallant determination I went to the back of the house and jumped over the low fence and, gluing myself to the wall, I walked toward the open door. I took a swift peek and saw their ravaged home. Burglars had ransacked it. I ran back out and told Titi Mima what I’d seen. As I recall, she went to a neighbor's house to place a call to Don Angel. The family was at Don Angel's TV and radio repair shop in downtown Ponce.
Within minutes the family drove back in. Angelito, all but 13 years of age, went in with great bravado and courage, ready to kick someone's behind. I admired him so much for it! Don Angel followed him in. I remained outside. From that point on my memory gets cloudy, but I remember they called the police.
With full adult retrospect I begrudge me having gone inside to check. The burglars could have been inside still and may have hurt me, or worse. Heck, they could have done in Angelito too, for all his courageous bravado. Thank God that didn't happen, because I was set to receive Him next day.
Yes, He was coming to me, Body, Blood, Soul, and Divinity the next day, and has ever since I receive that mysterious bread in which He hides.
I’m happy and thankful too Angelito didn’t have to prove himself against evil men. I’m not sure how would have ended.
My First Communion Culminated my First Conversion in the Spiritual Life
My first Holy Communion completed the process of my first conversion in my spiritual life. I draw this “conversion” terminology from the work of the great French Dominican theologian, Fr. Réginald Marie Garrigou-Lagrange. In his work titled The Three Conversions in the Spiritual Life, Fr. Garrigou-Lagrange speaks of the “three conversions” every Christian should undergo to attain full spiritual maturity before death. According to Fr. Garrigou-Lagrange,
The first conversion is the transition from the state of sin to the state of grace, whether by baptism or, in the case of those who have lost their baptismal innocence, by contrition and sacramental absolution. Theologians explain at length in the treatise on grace what precisely justification is in an adult, and how and why it requires, under the influence of grace, acts of faith, hope, charity and contrition, or detestation of sin committed. This purgation by the infusion of habitual grace and the remission of sins is in a sense the type or pattern of all the subsequent purgations of the soul, all of which involve acts of faith, hope, charity and contrition.
This is the process that started with my baptism and confirmation long before, which culminated in my first sacramental confession and then in my first reception of the Body and Blood of Christ. I was his, and he was mine. I’d developed a conscience, a notion of sin and began to experience in my spirit when I was in sore need of sacramental reconciliation with no adult telling me. This “branding” would follow me for the rest of my life. I became a “beginner” in the life of faith.