My Titi Gloria Died and I Helped Bury Her
In which Teófilo narrates the death and burial of his late aunt, from the real to the surreal to the sublime.
This memory is out of the current sequence but, since it's fresh, I'll tell it. This is the theme: my aunt Titi Gloria, whom I’ve mentioned a lot in my memoirs, passed away almost two weeks ago as of this writing.
It was Ash Wednesday. My Mercie and I had decided to attend Mass at 6:30 AM and receive the ashes. It was to be a good start for Lent.
As I was praying before Mass, I decided to pray the Commendation of the Dying as a blank check for her. We then received a text from Titi Gloria's next-door neighbor. She was informing us Titi was being hospitalized at that time. We continued to attend to the Mass. Shortly thereafter, our cousin Cecilia, a Dominican Sister, phoned us. Sister Cecilia had been helping with Titi's care. The phone was on silent mode and the call went to voice mail. Sister left no voice mail. I texted her back informing her we were at Mass and that I would call her after Mass.
Without knowing, I had commended her in prayer at the very moment she'd passed away.
I called Sr. Cecilia. After exchanging a few pleasantries, she went straight to the point: Gloria has left us. She allowed for a space of silence as we absorbed the news. She told us she died without suffering pain. The paramedics who were to take her to the hospital had found her gone already after arriving. Titi Gloria was being kept, much to her dismay, at a home for the elderly in Ponce. While there, she passed.
I informed Sister Cecilia that I was on my way. Thus, for the second time in two years we headed to Puerto Rico for her sake.
Backstory and Bargaining
I found myself bargaining right away. I had talked to Titi Gloria two weeks before her transit. I'd called at a bad time. She was very disoriented and agitated. She indicated she didn't know where she was, that they were moving her from place to place to mess with her. She then asked me to come to her, retrieve her and take her with me. She said that she would return home as soon as "this thing I had in my head gets better."
Pained, and as plaintively as I could, I reminded her I had done just that. In 2021 we went to Ponce to bring her to live with us. Once here, we ran her through a medical gauntlet. We've got her stabilized and cared for her every physical and medical need. All the while she was insisting more and more that I send her back to her home. I kept her reminding her that what awaited her back in Ponce was a nursing home. Yet, Titi's conviction was that her neighbor and Sister Cecilia would take care of all her needs.
One day while at my home I hugged her tight. I told her I loved her and that I needed her home with me. I meant it, but it was to no avail. She chose to forget about my request as soon as she could and with her dementia, it was easy for her to forget my plea. She remembered in her own way many other things, but not that one.
As we kept denying her requests to return her, she chose to act. She manufactured a crisis, accusing my Mercie of all sorts of sordid things. Titi then called another her relative to retrieve her from our home. She relayed to this relative the same string of falsehoods. I was so aggravated and hurt I stood back and did nothing. Titi left us and made her way back to her home in Puerto Rico.
As far as she was concerned, she was home free. But not for long.
At the onset of Hurricane Fiona in Puerto Rico Titi grew anxious. She went to her home's balcony, slipped, and broke her hip. Everyone familiar with such an event knows that it's the beginning of the end for many elderly people. She was no longer able to take care of herself, not that she was able to do it well before her fall. Sister Cecilia, the neighbor, and another friend sent Titi Gloria to a home for the elderly.
I told Titi Gloria she was in the best place possible as she would receive around-the-clock care. I asked her to resign herself and be content. I didn't want to give her false hopes that would trigger further anguish in turn. I was blatant, even harsh in my truth-telling. Others may have extemporized instead, softening their answers, engaged in white lies.
I'm not "wired" to do that. I’m just not.
Titi Gloria did not like at all me reminding her about the chain of events that had landed her in the home in the first place. She deflected responsibility for her acts by attempts of reverse psychology. I have come to know these attempts during my childhood. They were very effective back then - Don't worry, I'll do it. Or - it is my fault. Yea, right - dripping with sarcasm. Except that in this context, they were her desperate pleas to have her way once more and be at home and be at peace.
She hung up, angry. She had enough presence of mind to tell others about the call and express opinions about us. Since I didn't hear them, I won't memorialize them here and besides, they don’t matter, really. She wasn’t herself although in a very llimited way, she was.
That's where my bargaining came in upon hearing the news of her passing. I thought that if I hadn't been so blunt with her we could've had her for longer. I felt guilty that our last conversation had been so negative. And now, she was gone. Could've, should've, didn't.
Vain thoughts that have led me nowhere.
Note to self: once one’s dead it’s too late to make amends.
Viewing
We flew in the next day. I rented a car in San Juan and drove straight to Ponce with a quick stop in Salinas (sah-LEEH-nahs) for something to eat. We arrived at the funeral home late in the afternoon. A significant contingent of our Pérez relatives was there already. Mom was there speaking about “truths she'd had to keep quiet and that no one else knew but that she’d kept. If only she were to talk and reveal the whole truth.” And on and on.
Of course, I greeted her. I asked for her blessing. Mercie showed her the latest pictures of her great grandchildren.
We then proceeded to the hall where Titi's casket was in open view. She had arranged every detail of her funeral not long before in one final effort to be in control. Titi did a good job. Still, she looked stern in death, as if she was expecting my arrival to upbraid me one last time. Yes, I know, that was my guilty mind apprehending what I was seeing.
We stayed in the parlor until everyone but Sister Cecilia had left. We talked a little bit more and then left. We went to the hotel in downtown Ponce and crashed in the room we'd reserved. We weren't hungry so we ate nothing. The burial was to take place the next day and did.
Burial
The interment procession too place at noon the next day. I led the prescribed prayers at the parlor, eulogizing Titi Gloria in the process. Negative memories went overboard. I only spoke of her spirit, firmness, convictions, and achievements. I then sprinkled holy water on her bier. Only a handful of people were in attendance.
Funeral home personnel asked me to move the closed casket to the wheeled platform. I then helped wheel it and moved it into the hearse. We took off in our sad procession to the family gravesite at Ponce's Catholic Cemetery.
Upon arrival, I helped move the casket up the five longest steps I've ever taken in my life. I remembered Titi Gloria’s weight was light as a feather, but she'd purchased an army tank for a casket, so heavy it was. I helped place the casket over the tomb's opening, and then helped lower it through the grave’s opening using belts for the purpose.
As the process advanced, attending cemetery personnel reminisced. "Remember that time the casket slipped by accident and smashed in the bottom of the grave? Remember how the casket opened and how the corpse popped out?"
Thank you, guys. I learned gallows humor in the military but this time around I wasn't in the mood.
“Hey, don’t wrap the belt around your hand” a professional undertaker told me. Good point. Had someone decided to let the casket go I would’ve plunged in with it, breaking my hand and who knows what else in the process. I obeyed instantly.
I said the prescribed interment prayers and shared a reflection. I spoke about the resurrection of the dead. I said that Jesus promised us two explicit certainties: one of "life after death." Then, one of "life after life after death." In the latter one, our spirits will rejoin our transfigured bodies. Instead of us going to heaven, heaven would descend to earth. The Logos of God, Jesus in His flesh, will transform the whole cosmos. The flesh who are us ourselves, will rise again. This belief is the central core of the Christian hope. This is the faith proclaimed from the beginning by apostles and saints.
When I finished, I sprinkled holy water on the people and then on the gravesite and on the casket itself. And that was that. I declared the proceedings complete and dismissed the people. We each went to our homes or other business.
About Titi Gloria
My Titi Gloria in her prime was an imposing woman. Born in 1937, she was of a generation of Puerto Ricans who’d gained a college education and a white-collar profession. Her word was a law unto herself. What she wanted, she got. She prided a lot in her own insight, autonomy, and independence. She found fulfillment in company and family. She was an introvert, and her fun-seeking was mild. She loved to travel. She had a special fondness for her sister, my late Titi Geno.
She married once, to a kind-hearted gentleman who was a Korean War veteran. In her senility she would say she'd married twice. At that point I would ask her who had she eloped with. She responded with mild, confused amusement, unable to recall. But she was convinced of it!
With Titi Gloria I saw first-hand the travails of age and aging. I learned the importance of letting go, of divesting oneself from earthly attachments. When my time comes I want to fly light and right into my Creator's open arms. I want the Blessed Mother and St. Joseph leading me by the hands to Jesus, my guardian angel leading the way. It'll be a glorious procession.
Gloria was her name. Glory be to God on high. I'll see you again my Titi Gloria. Together, in our flesh, we shall see God (Job 19:26).
Se puede entender que tú Tití Gloria era muy importante para ti. QDEP🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🌹
Thank you for your most interesting and moving article. Excuse my ignorance, Teófilo, but is there a shortage of priest in Puerto Rico, as there was no mention of mass at the funeral of your aunt ?