That Time in Which I Believe Mom Shattered
In which Teófilo explores the singularity that led to a familial big bang, a shattering point of no return.
Setting
...Authority, stability, and a life of relationships within the family constitute the foundations for freedom, security, and fraternity within society. The family is the community in which, from childhood, one can learn moral values, begin to honor God, and make good use of freedom. Family life is an initiation into life in society (Source).
The pillars of family life are three: authority - a shared authority by both father and mother. Second, stability - the guarantee of unchanging love that is free, and unconditional. To those we add ties of relationships nurtured by mutual, guileless communications. In their family, members learn to love one another. They expect the best intentions from their opposite other. They learn to cultivate harmony, good thoughts, and mutual support.
What happens when a family member undermines one of the pillars? For example, say a parent abuses his or her authority. Say the other parent does nothing to stop or moderate the spouse's actions. Say they fail to comfort the child in his or her angst. Say the parents treat one child in a way a sibling perceives as preferential. Yet, in their hearts of hearts they’re convinced they’re not acting out a preference, but it matters not. All it takes for the other sibling is the perception of favoritism to feel the slight. If the child in question is an introvert, he or she may internalize the parent's actions as rejection. The child starts building a defense mechanism aimed at protecting his or her sense of self. If unaddressed, the wound will fester, changing the child's personality.
Conflicts abound in most human families. Even Louis and Zeline Martin knew of familial conflicts and misunderstandings. They were the parents of St. Therese de Lisieux, canonized saints themselves. Despite the presence of conflict and misunderstandings their family pillars stood firm. What can we then expect from a mid-20th century Puerto Rican family? It stands as a tragic irony that another Teresita was to be the principal actor in our family drama. Her choices would lead to me, and away from the healing of her mind and soul. I'm grateful to her for my existence, but not for my later suffering at her hands.
Shattering Point
Every person has what I call a shattering point. When a parent or parental figure betrays their child his soul shatters. Her personality changes and not always for the better.
The shattering takes place in the child's very soul. Anything, such as a harsh, violent word or physical violence may shatter the child's soul. But the shattering doesn’t do away with the love the shattered person feels from the source of his or her pain. What the shattering does is rip the child's sense of love away from the warmth that love provides. A dry, intellectual, cold love replaces the previous one. The child will look for his or her validation and "true love" elsewhere.
Moreover, sensitive children internalize these slights so much they may develop narcissistic traits. If unchecked the traits may mutate into full-fledged narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). The best way to check these traits is through mutual forgiveness and love.
I'm convinced that Mother experienced a shattering event during the 1950’s. The event went unhealed and allowed to fester. The festering feelings led to the growth of narcissistic traits in Mom. In time the traits degenerated into full-fledged NPD.
I've inferred that it was my beloved grandfather who caused Mom's incipient NPD. I've reached that conclusion from observation and reflection of our lives together. I've also concluded that my Mamá Ana was either unable or unwilling to heal their breach. I’m certain she administered healing salves to the situation but to no avail. In time Mom will look at Mamá Ana with disappointment and pity at what Mom saw as unwillingness to side with her. But Mom would reserve the bulk of her hatred against her oldest sibling, Titi Gloria. Mom would go through life scapegoating Titi Gloria for every one of her misfortunes.
Why should you believe me?
I’m not a psychologist. You’ll be on good ground if your first inclination is to doubt my “diagnosis” of Mom. Your skepticism is healthy. Always be skeptical of the conclusions you reach about the inner mental life of other people.
In my defense I will say that I’m versed in the methods of empirical science. I am confident of my conclusions about Mom's condition. I know I've gained in time the separation needed to decrease my own bias and emotions. I've also developed a deep capacity for introspection. Because Mom was oftentimes arbitrary and unfair, I grew up to be her polar opposite. I grew up to be punctilious and fair toward everyone in all my relationships, including Mom. Not that I was perfect at every judgment and interaction, but I did strive, and continue to strive, to treat everyone with fairness.
The second source of my expertise comes from my own experience at being a shattered soul. This experience has helped me understand Mom as a human being and feel compassionate to her, even though she was the one who shattered me. The grace of God has healed me and led me away from falling into NPD. Yet the scars and impact points in my mind and soul she inflicted still hurt to this day. My pain informs my diagnosis of Mom’s condition and energizes my compassion for her. My compassion for her, however, is bracketed by the boundaries I’ve set to preserve my own mental health and wellness.
But what happened?
The events as I’ve been able to reconstruct them from a couple of ground facts are as follows. When Titi Gloria entered puberty she began to suffer from severe gynecological problems. Mom was about eight at the time. Titi Gloria’s condition earned her special privileges that aroused Mom's jealousy. In itself this is a dynamic common to most families. But the day arrived when Mom may have complained a little too much, taxing my grandfather’s patience. Now, Don Pedro was on the quiet side except when with friends. Mom may have delivered her complaints at the wrong time and before the wrong people. Don Pedro took Mom’s whining as an affront to his authority. Worse, if Mom’s defiance took place before outsiders, Don Pedro may have seen Mom's acting up as a fault he had to correct.
Don Pedro was gruff and fearsome when aroused and could get physical. He may have said something cutting and hurtful to Mom. He may have accompanied his reprimand with a slap or spanking. Without willing it or realizing it, he shattered Mom's soul then and there. The lack of healing and reconciliation sealed her fate and set her on the way to NPD.
A Shattered Character Looking for Validation and Reaffirmation
Titi Gloria once told me how at one time at Middle School gradation time Titi Angelita - Don Pedro’s sister and my grandaunt - designed, cut, and sewed new dresses for Titi Gloria and Mom. Titi Angelita delivered the first dress to Titi Gloria and then to Mom. Mom was in sixth grade at the time.
Mom thought Titi Angelita had considered her an afterthought and took offense. After receiving the dress and time had passed, Mom came to the Pueblito Nuevo's house living room. In the sight of Mamá Ana and Titi Gloria, Mom ripped the dress apart. Mom's deformed look of fury impressed both Titi Gloria and Mamá Ana. It is a look I came to know later first-hand. It is a malevolent look of furious disdain against people she believed had slighted her. I find the story credible and illustrative of her state of mind at the time. Her actions shocked Titi Gloria and Mamá Ana and was a harbinger of more things to come.
Also according to Titi Gloria, Mom spent most of the time outside the house. She spent the time visiting the homes of people she considered her friends. She was looking for validation and affirmation outside of her family circle.
On the surface, everything looked normal. Mom, Titi Gloria and Tío Pin attended Ponce High School in the 1950’s. They would walk about a mile from the Pueblito Nuevo home to the school, back and forth every weekday. By the end of the 1950's, Tío Pin would leave the homestead for New York where he would meet and fall in love with Titi Annie. Mom and Titi Gloria remained in the family home.
Early to Mid-1960’s
Mom went on to Ponce’s Vocational High School to study secretarial arts by the end of the 50’s. I’m not sure where Titi Gloria went to school but both of them would land secretarial jobs. Mom went to work for the Puerto Rico Health Department. Titi Gloria went to work for the Commonwealth Oil Refining Company (CORCO). CORCO was at the time a major petrochemical complex, located in the neighboring towns of Peñuelas (pehn-nyuEH-lahs) and Guayanilla (guah-jah-KNEE-jah). Don Pedro would also go to work at CORCO as a heavy vehicle driver later. That's when the first major convergence of my life occurred: Mom met Dad and they both made me.
I reckon Mom felt attracted to Dad not only because of Dad's obvious good looks. The fact he was almost 20 years her senior had something to with too. Settling down with an older man offered Mom security, safety, acceptance, and validation. These are the things she was unable to get from Don Pedro. As things would develop, my father was also unwilling to satisfy her longings for masculine affirmation and love. Dad’s rejection - one may even say “use” - of Mom exacerbated the causes of her eventual spiral into NPD.
Even so, the NPD's full manifestation in Mom was still in the future at the time I was born. Mamá Ana shielded me from much of Mom’s worst inclinations. My arrival brought great joy to Mamá Ana. I became the light of her eyes. My grandparents accepted Mom and welcomed my arrival. My first years were my golden years of innocence, security, plenty, and joy.