The Second Conversion in My Spiritual Life - Part I
In which Teófilo explains what his second conversion in his spiritual life consisted of.
Almighty God, Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who brought these servants to new birth by water and the Holy Spirit, freeing them from sin: send upon them, O Lord, the Holy Spirit, the Paraclete; give them the spirit of wisdom and understanding, the spirit of counsel and fortitude, the spirit of knowledge and piety; fill them with the spirit of fear of the Lord. Through Christ our Lord. Amen.
Bishop’s prayer over the Confirmands, from the Catholic Order of Confirmation.
The second conversion in my spiritual life commenced after experiencing the baptism in the Holy Spirit at age 14. As you’ve read before, I mark the reception of my First Holy Communion as the end my first conversion in my spiritual life following baptism, confirmation, and first confession. This is how Fr. Réginald Marie Garrigou-Lagrange OP, the “Sacred Monster of Thomism” explained it.
I must speak about my second conversion and explain it as I best can because it was the central event in my life. I experienced a definite before and after through the baptism in the Holy Spirit. My life would have gone in a very different direction had I not undergone this conversion. The only way I can do the experience justice is to frame it within the mystical theology of the Catholic Church and that means using Fr. Garrigou-Lagrange as my guide. Then, I’ll explain what’s this so-called “baptism.” Afterward, I’ll talk about what actually took place in this “baptism” and what fruits it spawned.
Overall, this part of my memoirs collects my personal conversion testimony. The reader must understand the word “conversion” in its more common meaning of a sudden, radica change in mindset and re-direction of life. This is my reflection from my current, more mature Catholic theological viewpoint.
What’s this “second conversion”?
Borrowing from both Sts. Catherine of Siena and John of the Cross, Fr. Garrigou-Lagrange explains that the Christian experiences in his life of faith two crises. These crises are akin to the “transition from childhood to youth and from youth to manhood.” Fr. Garrigou-Lagrange equates the transition from childhood to youth to this second conversion.
Moreover, Fr. Garrigou-Lagrange explains that the second conversion is necessary for
…the Christian who, though he has thought seriously of his salvation and made an effort to walk in the way of God, has nevertheless begun once more to follow the bent of his nature and to fall into a state of tepidity -- like an engrafted plant reverting to its wild state.
This tepid state describes well my situation at 14. I felt the bombardment of knowledge from different sources. As I began to understand the concept of deep time and the chronology of the universe, questions also arose in my mind regarding creation in general and the creation of man in particular. I asked myself where our special creation and history of salvation fitted into all this. Without restating my faith in exactly those terms, I wondered if I believed out of tradition or just because it was pretty, or both. Faith was becoming an aesthetic choice for me. On the other hand, I had religious feelings. Where these also aesthetic feelings or something deeper within me? I didn’t know. I was heading straight into unbelief from lukewarmness.
Quoting by heart from St. John of the Cross, Fr. Garrigou-Lagrange explained that,
…the entrance into the illuminative way is marked by a passive purgation of the senses, which is a second conversion, and that the entrance into the unitive way is preceded by a passive purgation of the spirit, a further and a deeper conversion affecting the soul in its most intimate depths (emphasis mine).
I’d begun already the passive purification of my senses after making my First Holy Communion. The accretion of knowledge and experience following my First Communion set the stage. Mom’s increasing personality disorder provided the means of purification. The baptism in the Holy Spirit and my second conversion were the resulting intermediate ends.
Quoting St. Catherine of Siena Dialogue 65-66, Fr. Garrigou-Lagrange explains that Christians approaching their second conversion are victims of self-love,
… 'the mercenary love of the imperfect,' of those who, without being conscious of it, serve God from self- interest, because they are attached to temporal or spiritual consolations, and who shed tears of self-pity when they are deprived of them…The soul loves God more than itself, otherwise it would not be in the state of grace, it would not possess charity; but it still loves itself with an inordinate love. It has not yet reached the stage of loving itself in God and for His sake. Such a state of soul is neither white nor black; it is a light grey, in which there is more white than black. The soul is on the upward path, but it still has a tendency to slip downwards.
Now, in my view, one’s second conversion redirects one’s love to Christ and others by means of an experiential encounter. The grayness of confusion dissipates before a new clarity of vision and purpose in one’s Christian life. One feels empowered to continue living in and for Christ.
Personal Caveat Emptor
It seems that to Fr. Garrigou-Lagrange and the Sts. Catherine and John of the Cross these phases looked clear-cut and simply. But they also knew that one’s imperfect human nature often leads to many unnecessary detours and complications. In my case I can tell you aspects of both of the first and second conversions mixed freely. I blame the concoction that was my spiritual state back then on two misunderstandings prevailing in the Church well before the Second Vatican Council through the 1970’s and 80’s.
First, and in my opinion, the Church equated catechization with evangelization. This led to a mindset that saw catechized people, particularly children, as having had the experience of a personal encounter with the living Christ. It seems to me that experiencing the living Christ triggers a whole person surrender in love and trust to Him who is the Way, the Truth, and the Life. Such a profound encounter in turns makes the experience of the Sacraments meaningful and effective in one’s life.
The second misconception led Catholic educators and catechists to inform their charges but not to form them. Mix this misconception with the media bombardment my generation began to experience in the 1970’s and you get a recipe for enduring confusion. Perhaps if my formation had been more organic, more holistic, I would have been able to experience my “conversions” in the order the mystics explained them. We’ve placed the cart before the horse in this matter.
Did that work? For as long as our society was unified and homogeneous, yes, to an extent. Once Puerto Rico became a First World society the old paradigm began to fail, and we were too slow to change it back.
As a consequence, I don’t offer my own experience as a map for anyone else. I cannot say it isn’t atypical either because I suspect many from my generation underwent similar experiences under similar circumstances. However, I don’t think that’s how the doctors and mystics perceived God’s plan. My episodic, at times convulsive, sputtering spiritual growth and repeated backslidings are hardly a model to attain spiritual maturity and holiness. Yet, that’s the mud the Lord had to work into a vase, and He did so without complaining. I was the only one complaining in the process.
One more thing: I haven’t offered a thorough explanation of how the Baptism in the Holy Spirit fits in with traditional Catholic mystical theology. I’ve limited myself to establish some markers in which to frame my story within the Church’s greater story. I defer to others much more knowledgeable than me to make or continue such studies.
The Baptism in the Holy Spirit
A lot of ink, virtual and otherwise, has been spilled regarding this spiritual experience. This “baptism in the Holy Spirit” is the central experience proposed by the Catholic Charismatic Renewal. It is,
… an action of God, invited by an individual through prayer, which brings about a deeper conversion to Christ, and which gives the Holy Spirit permission to work in that individual’s life in a more powerful way…The Baptism in the Spirit is not a Sacrament, but it does revitalise and stir up the graces received in the Sacraments of Initiation (Baptism and Confirmation)….[It is] a new, fresh experience of the Holy Spirit which equips and inspires the individual for service, for mission, for discipleship and for life. (Source).
Of course, I’ve also become aware of the intense opposition many faithful Catholics feel against the Catholic Charismatic Renewal. Some have composed thoughtful philosophical and theological critiques of the “charismatic experience” that as a theology student I cannot ignore. Others mistrust the “charismatic experience” because of its parallels with Pentecostal groups of Protestant tradition. These Catholic opponents of “charismania” see as a disorder what charismatic Catholics see as a wonderful, Spirit-filled order. They too must be heard, and their critiques considered with care and sobriety.
I see that my role is to testify to what happened to me, attempt a phenomenological description, and describe the consequences of “my” charismatic experience within the framework of the traditional Catholic mystical theology delineated by the likes of Fr. Garrigou-Lagrange. Pace to my skeptical Catholic brethren.
I will describe my experience in the next post.